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I know that this was something that worried me during pregnancy. I loved how things were between me and my husband and I did feel nervous that our relationship could change. Before we were ready to have a baby, we decided doing a few sessions of family therapy would be good for our relationship and family. We knew how our relationship was when everything was great – when marriage was new and we were traveling and spending time with our friends and family. But what was going to happen when pressure mounted, a baby was crying and we were running on two hours of sleep? (Not to mention a global pandemic and lockdown months before we decided to try for a baby. I see you, 2020 mamas.) We wanted to be prepared to handle conflict as it arose in a mature and healthy way because we really value each other and our relationship. It’s important to us that our child is raised by emotionally aware adults that heal generational trauma instead of projecting it.

We did our family therapy sessions with a somatic counselor that was recommended to us by my primary therapist. Our intro call went well and we decided to work with her because she seemed super transparent, to-the-point, and helpful. Somatic therapy focuses on the mind-body connection to bring about change in your response to all situations, but especially challenging ones. The therapy aims to treat the effects of PTSD and other mental and emotional health issues that can often be intertwined in our family generational patterns. We want to pass on the beautiful goodness that our families brought into our lives – not the negative patterns that are passed from generation to generation (IMO, every family has this btw – we are all human). 

Our therapist had us work through various exercises that helped us communicate effectively, respect, and listen to one another. We learned about our attachment styles and how each of us responds to stress and conflict differently because of them. Most importantly we learned how to work together to respect each other in times of conflict and how to work together to find a solution. I believe these skills were imperative to learn before bringing our baby girl into the world. We want the energy in our family and home to be joyful, open, understanding, respectful, and compassionate and somatic therapy helps us integrate that into our lives.

The newborn stage can be a blur and even the most connected partners can feel like they are two ships passing in the night. Communicating openly and working together to figure out how to make each other feel seen and supported through this journey can bond you and strengthen your relationship. No one should feel alone in this!

And while this post is focused on partner connection, you can tailor these tips and utilize them with yourself, or a friend, or anyone in your care circle. The point is – you shouldn’t feel alone during your postpartum (or ever) and there are ALWAYS people in your life that want you to feel safe and supported. If you or anyone you know is struggling, there are resources to help you. Visit postpartum.net to get help, information, and support right now.

Ok, here we go.

Ways to connect with your partner:

Acknowledgment –

• Make eye contact often – It sounds simple but it’s easy to get into a routine where you aren’t stopping to look at each other in the eyes.
• Acknowledge each other when you enter and leave the room.
• Eye gazing – set a time for 2 minutes and peer into the windows of each other’s souls. This cultivates closeness and intimacy.
• Say goodnight before falling asleep.

Communication –

• Ask “how are you doing?” and listen with undivided attention. Repeat back to them what they told you and ask them if they got it right.
• Share your perspectives. – Ask, “how was the labor and delivery experience for you?” I was shocked at how different my experience was from my partners and hearing each other’s perspectives gave us both a deeper level of understanding.
• Carve out 1:1 time to do things that don’t involve the baby. What did you use to do together that you loved?
• Constantly communicate and if you find you are slipping, just start again.

Physical Touch –

• Cuddle, hug, hold hands, have sex (when you feel healed, ready and comfortable)  – physical touch releases oxytocin aka the love hormone that is associated with happiness and less stress

How have you stayed connected through postpartum?

xx

Kaitlin